Self-regulation “failures” or what most people label as a failure of their willpower, occur often in daily life. What are some problems that arise in daily life (work place and personal) due to willpower failures?
Do you ever say, “Dag nab it! I wish I would have ______!” or “Dag nab it! I wish I wouldn’t have ________!” Think about some of your most common “Dag nab its!”
Self-regulation/willpower is the number one strength we need to be successful across the board in life.
Here is what brain scientists are saying about the importance of willpower/self-regulation:
“The ability to control behavior enables humans to live cooperatively, achieve important goals and maintain health throughout their life span. Self-regulation enables people to make plans, choose from alternatives, control impulses, inhibit unwanted thoughts and regulate social behavior. Although humans have an impressive capacity for self-regulation, failures are common and people lose control of their behavior in a wide variety of circumstances. Such failures are an important cause of several contemporary societal problems-obesity, addiction, poor financial decisions, sexual infidelity and so on. Indeed, it has been estimated that 40% of deaths are caused by poor self-regulation. Conversely, those who are better able to self-regulate demonstrate improved relationships, increased job success and better mental health and are less at risk of developing alcohol abuse problems or engaging in risky sexual behavior.”
From an article entitled, “Cognitive neuroscience of self-regulation failure” by Todd F. Heatherton and Dylan D. Wagner, Trends in Cognitive Neuroscience, Volume 15, Issue 3, March 2011, Pages 132–139.
According to researchers, success in school, in life, in a profession, and in relationships is directly related to how much willpower a person possesses. The more willpower, the more success in life!
In order to understand how self-regulation works, we need to understand a little bit about the brain and its reward system.
WILLPOWER AND THE BRAIN: POWER UP WITH KNOWLEDGE ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD!
The brain contains a complex network of neurons that are constantly assessing the value and benefit of opportunities in a person’s environment throughout the day. This network of neurons contains the chemical messenger called dopamine. Dopamine is the “feel good” chemical in our brain. When the brain detects an opportunity to make a person’s life better in the environment, dopamine is released by the reward system neurons and motivates us to go after it.
Opportunities to make our lives better include going after a sense of pleasure or accomplishment but also avoiding discomfort or pain. The speed of firing of the neurons and the amount of dopamine the neurons produce are proportionate to how beneficial the brain believes the opportunity to be. This evaluation of opportunities can happen mostly on autopilot and outside of our awareness.
Here is the progression of events when the reward system makes an evaluation: When an opportunity presents itself, the reward center activates. The reward center then fires up neurons going to two different regions of the brain—the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex, also known as the upstairs and downstairs brain.
Scientists explain these parts of the brain by using a simple model with your hand. Hold your hand up with the palm facing forward and the thumb tucked into your palm. From the thumb down to the wrist is considered the downstairs brain (made up of the limbic system, the cerebellum and the brainstem). If you fold the fingers over the thumb, from the knuckles to the finger tips is the upstairs brain (the cerebral cortex).
The downstairs brain is the region of the brain in which the appetites for food, money, sex and power arise. It is also where big emotions begin. The upstairs brain is in charge of big picture and long term planning, processing memories, social awareness of how our actions impact other people, empathy, problem solving, exploring different alternatives, processing emotion and controlling the impulses of the downstairs brain.
These two regions of the brain then compete or race to the finish to try to make the call as to whether or not to pursue the immediate reward or avoid discomfort in the here and now.
The downstairs brain is extremely quick to decide—because all it has to do is say yes or no. This will result in me either avoiding discomfort or feeling really good. Done. The upstairs brain is much slower, as it draws from memory of past experiences to predict the future, puts the opportunity for reward into the context of bigger picture goals, assesses if it will contradict long term goals, comes up with possible alternatives, takes into account how it impacts other people, and comes up with an advantages and disadvantages list.
Willpower happens when the downstairs brain checks in with the upstairs brain before going for an immediate gratification in the here and now. Exercising willpower means asking the upstairs brain: Will this help me go towards or away from my bigger picture goals?
When we fail to check in with the upstairs brain before we act, brain scientists call this “flipping the lid.” You can also flip the lid when it comes to how you deal with your emotions. Becoming overwhelmed, discouraged, really angry, or depressed can all involve shutting down the upstairs brain. The discomfort of these emotions can drive us to express them inappropriately for temporary relief.
When we use willpower and check in with the upstairs brain before acting, the brain is forming a connection between the upstairs brain and downstairs brain. Everytime we form a connection between different parts of the brain, the feeling we get is “I feel good!” The more connections we make between the upstairs and downstairs brain, the less willpower it takes to do what we need to do to achieve our goals.
The common understanding of willpower is, “You either have it, or you don’t.” You either grit your teeth and power through it, or you don’t. You are either weak or strong in a given moment. But it’s just not that simple, and this perspective on willpower holds us back! This view of willpower makes a person feel helpless to effect change and gain control of their life. Unable to get rid of the Dag Nab Its!
FOUR CONCEPTS IN WILLPOWER REASEARCH THAT HELP YOU HARNESS YOUR INNER PERSEVERENCE!
These four concepts are important to understand:
- Willpower works as if we all have a willpower fuel tank sitting in our heads. We wake up with a full tank and have a certain, limited amount of fuel to use throughout the day. When the willpower fuel is gone, so is our willpower.
- Willpower fuel can be replenished when it’s running low! We need to know how to refuel.
- We can learn to conserve the willpower fuel we use during the day to save it for unexpected challenges.
- Even though we each have a certain sized tank, we are not doomed to size of tank we have currently. The tank size can be built and increased.
CONCEPT ONE: WE CAN GET DEPLETED
Because willpower fuel is a limited resource, we need to be mindful of how quickly we burn through it. Whenever you exert willpower by saying no to a favorite snack food or surfing a favorite website (or keeping your mouth shut when you don’t want to or… or…), this depletes glucose stores in the upstairs brain. Because willpower uses up the glucose, each person has a certain amount of willpower/self-regulation. Again, let’s talk about it as if you have a certain size of willpower fuel tank. I may have a 10-gallon tank, and you may have a 50-gallon tank. The point is that each person has a limited supply.
Anything that takes effort burns the fuel and depletes the tank. You do not have a separate tank for controlling emotion, making decisions, focusing your attention, doing things you do not feel like doing in the moment, and suppressing cravings that do not get you to your long-term goals. So, the first strategy in conserving your fuel tank is to be effective by being selective.
In other words, do not try to do everything at once! Pick one thing at a time to master. Let’s say you have decided that you want to make healthier food choices, which requires majorly changing your typical “eat out every other day” pattern. Behavioral change requires a lot of fuel in the willpower tank. So in the first 1-2 months, focus only on this goal. Do not also try to exercise regularly (if you don’t already), conquer a major house project, start a new career path, or make other major life changes if you can help it.
Focusing your attention on the one most important task at hand will definitely bump up your gas mileage.
CONCEPT TWO: STRATEGICALLY REFUEL
Your brain burns glucose whenever you use your willpower to focus your attention, resist indulging in whatever you feel like in the moment, or decide it is not a good time to reveal your feelings to the world! Because you have a limited supply of glucose in the brain, you also have a limited amount of willpower. The amount of glucose you have fed your brain and the rate that you burn it determines your willpower fuel tank size.
When our willpower fuel tank is on empty, we are in a state that psychologists call ego depletion or decision fatigue. This is a term applied to brides after filling out their wedding registry. Choices get really interesting at the end of a day of asking yourself, “Do I want to use these dishes or those dishes at formal gatherings with our future family for the rest of our lives?” That is how couples often end up with some useless stuff. The newlyweds look at some of it while scratching their heads and mumbling, “Why exactly did we put this on the list?”
Signs of depletion include heightened senses and emotions. When you are happy, you are slap-happy or ecstatic! When you are sad or discouraged, you want to tank everything and not go on. Things that are generally minor annoyances suddenly make you want to jump out of your skin. It is important to recognize when you are in a state of depletion. Awareness is the first step toward fixing it! It is also important to keep this in mind when in a relationship. You do NOT want to sit down to discuss the budget, ask your partner to make any big decisions, or try to resolve a conflict when you are depleted!
When the willpower fuel tank is empty, we can refuel the tank in three ways: eat, sleep and boost happiness. Try to make good choices when you stock the pantry and refrigerator with go-to snacks. Nothing refuels the willpower fuel tank better than a nap or a good night’s sleep. Make the effort to take care of this aspect of life.
Positive emotions like joy, laughter, gratitude, looking forward to something fun (hope), pride in doing well at something, being really interested in a sport, hobby or good book, being kind to a friend…can all help refuel the willpower tank.
When will you rest? Or when do you need to rest to refuel?
What are some foods you like that are high protein mixed with carbs you can simply grab and go?
What increases your positive emotion (joy, amusement, interest, pride, etc)?
What is your favorite sport or active thing to do?
CONCEPT THREE: LEARN HOW TO BE A CONSERVATIONIST WITH YOUR FUEL
There are a few more specific strategies that help conserve your fuel for when it is really needed. Let’s cover these next.
Primes are non-conscious triggers in our environment that make it easier or harder to achieve a goal. So prime your home and office to set yourself up for success!
Organized Work / Home Space:
An orderly environment has been shown to help people resist temptations, persevere towards a goal, AND use less willpower doing it. In one experiment, researchers put one group of aspiring healthy eaters (meaning they were trying to make healthier eating choices) in an organized work space and another group in an office that was a gigantic mess. A bowl of candy and a bowl of carrots were placed in each person’s immediate work space. The people in the organized room chose the carrots at a very high rate. The other group struggled more overall. The subjects in the chaotic work environment either gave in and ate the candy or ate the carrots. All the test subjects took a willpower stamina test afterwards. The organized room group not only succeeded more often in sticking with their goal of choosing healthier options, but they also used less willpower to do it. This experiment has been repeated in different ways. For instance, researchers have looked at the effects of surfing an organized website and an unorganized one. Similar effects were observed in both sticking to the goal and the willpower fuel burned to do so (Baumeister & Tierney, 2011) (Rahinel, Reddin & Vohs, 2011).
Inspirational Quotes:
Use these by putting them in your phone as alarms, or print some to display on your desk. You can even tape some to the ceiling or your alarm clock so you see them as you wake up!
Cell Phone Settings :
Consider using an inspirational ring tone, inspirational text tone, or an inspirational background. Creating “why I want to make this goal happen” lists in your notes app (or displaying at home if you want to see them all the time) can be helpful to keep you going.
Music Playlists:
These can be a powerful motivational tool—use them! Make several lists:
• I’m tired list
• I need to keep going list
• I don’t want to get started list
• I need to calm down list
• It will be great when this is over list
An awareness of primes can help make the subconscious work in our favor when it comes to accomplishing our goals. AND use less willpower fuel in the process! More done for less!
OTHER PEOPLE HELP US CONSERVE OR WASTE OUR WILLPOWER FUEL…
Other people’s mood, motivation and state of mind are contagious and can make it easier or more difficult to go toward your goals.
We have something called mirror neurons in our brains. Mirror neurons literally make you feel what other people are feeling. Brain scans have demonstrated this mirroring of other people’s experiences. Scientists refer to people as either black holes or cheerleaders. You need to find your cheerleaders and avoid black holes—even pictures of them. You can identify cheerleaders by keeping tabs on the number of positive comments compared to negative comments that come out of a person’s mouth. If a person has approximately a 3:1 ratio of positive to negative statements (called a positivity ratio) and you feel recharged or less stressed after being with them, you have identified a cheerleader in your life. If you find someone who spouts more negative sentiments compared to positives or who has a positivity ratio of more than 11:1 or so—which is simply insincere and nauseating—you are in the presence of a black hole. These people will suck you dry and need to be avoided as much as possible when you need all your willpower for an emergency or the major task at hand. If your sister is a black hole, put pictures of her away and do not answer the phone until your tough week is over. If one of your co-workers is a black hole, avoid the break room until your big project is finished! The opposite goes for cheerleaders in your life. Schedule some calls with your grandma if she is a source of inspiration to you, and keep a picture of her with you to look at when you need a boost.
During eras of high stress, you need to surround yourself with positives and block out the negatives… or at least contain them somehow.
Make a list of your cheerleaders/”GO-TO PEOPLE”:
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Make a mental note of the black holes in your life.
CONSERVING FUEL BY SLOWING THE DOWNSTAIRS BRAIN
Delayed vs Denied Gratification:
Researchers have found that in dealing with epsilon-cost choices, you will use less willpower if you tell yourself, “Later!” rather than “No!” This is true even if you really have no intention of ever indulging the impulse. The downstairs brain does not react well to no. We see a prime example of this in two-year-olds whose upstairs brains are not fully developed. And let’s be honest, the downstairs brain will pitch a fit in response to no even in an adult. But we have a more fully developed upstairs brain that can inhibit the tantrum! If we say later, it will take less willpower because the downstairs brain does not react as violently.
Your “what I am going to do when this is over” list:
Distractions:
Distracting yourself in the moment is another way to deal with the downstairs brain when it starts screaming for something or when big emotions arise within it. A distraction helps the downstairs brain calm down so it is easier to reason with. This strategy, called repraisal, gives you the chance to remind yourself why you are trying not to give in to that impulse or thought pattern or emotion. Examples might be playing a favorite song or engaging in physical activities like running or cleaning.
Think about your HEALTHY distraction list:
CONSERVING FUEL BY PREPLANNING YOUR WAY AROUND PREDICTABLE OBSTACLES…OR FAILURES
Another way to prime the brain to deal with temptations, prevent the “Dag nab its!” and use less willpower in the process involves an exercise called mental contrasting followed by forming implementation intentions…WHAT??!
We are going to start the process right now, and I will tell you why it is so effective as we work through it. Choose one of your top goals that you seem the least able to achieve. Daydream a little about why it will be great if you achieve your goal. How will you feel after it is over?
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What are five internal or external factors that could derail you from your goal? Identify some epsilon-cost choices blocking you from accomplishing your goal:
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What you just did is something psychologists call mental contrasting. Think of how you will feel and how great it will be to achieve your goal. Contrast that with what will or could get in the way of you being successful, and you have identified the major pitfalls you need to plan around.
The point of identifying these possible stumbling blocks is to then actively plan on how you will deal with them. This part is called forming implementation intentions.
Implementation intentions help with the in-the-moment, epsilon-cost choices that keep us from moving from good to great!
How? Look at your list of roadblocks and form an IF ____________ happens, THEN I will ____________ statement. IF/THEN statements train your brain ahead of time, preprogramming your response to whatever cue will derail you from your goal. These types of planning statements lay down the neural pathways of your productive response before the moment of temptation strikes and make the upstairs brain ready and waiting.
When you run the senario ahead of time, the upstairs brain has less to process and can react faster in the moment.
Form implementation intentions for each obstacle you can predict standing in the way of achieving your top long-term goal:
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SET REWARDS TO CONSERVE FUEL
The brain is always looking for its next opportunity to make our lives better. When we have a plethora of possible rewards from the brain’s perspective, it is easier to say no to immediate gratification in the moment.
But when the brain feels a deficit of opportunites to feel good or avoid pain, the intensity with which it goes after “in-the-moment” rewards is increased and more difficult to resist.
Taking time out to enjoy life, friendships, savoring wins, giving yourself rewards for goals accomplished, spending time with family and pursuing hobbies that bring you joy are important.
When the promise of rewards are within reach, the intensity of the downstairs brain’s drive for dopamine is decreased. This makes sticking to our long-term, bigger picture goals easier in the face of temptations for immediate gratification.
What are some of the rewards you currently have in place for different areas of your life?
What are some hobbies you enjoy that enrich your life satisfaction? Do you take the time out to pursue them?
CONCEPT FOUR: INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR TANK!
According to psychologists, a person can never have too much willpower, and increasing the size of your tank can only help you be more successful across the board in life! So how do you build the self-regulation fuel tank? How do you go from a 25-gallon tank to a 50-gallon tank so you have more stamina and avoid depletion in the later hours of the day? You simply have to choose one little thing or pervasive habit that takes willpower, and do it, consistently!
Researchers asked college students to try and sit up in class for two weeks. They measured willpower capacity before and after the two weeks. The students who made the effort to have better posture increased their willpower and became less depleted compared to the slouching control group (Baumeister & Tierney, 2011).
This is an ongoing process because you can never have enough willpower. Success is directly proportional to how well you can self-regulate. But I do not like to choose something arbitrary like sitting up straight. It is better to choose something that will also act as a prime to help you conserve willpower (or will further other goals) as you are trying to build it! Keeping your workspace organized is an example of this “killing two birds with one stone” approach to willpower-building.
Other ideas include:
When you want to say something negative, say two positive things first. This is a form of mindful speech and will increase your positivity ratio.
Get up on time when your alarm goes off, and set an alarm to do certain things at specific times of the day.
Schedule meals, and eat them. This will keep your brain fueled.
Go to bed at a certain time, no matter what!
Come up with a few ideas of your own (or refer to the next section for even more suggestions):
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HERE ARE A FEW IDEAS ALONG THE LINES OF THE LIFE LIST…
Health
Setting an exercise plan can be very helpful. Self-regulation occurs when the upstairs brain is on and waiting for the impulse, urge, or craving to arise. Exercise helps keep the upstairs brain engaged.
Using a device to record dietary and fitness goals is an exercise of self-regulation. It not only keeps you on track with fitness goals but also builds your self-regulation tank. When you set dietary goals, it is important to remember that dieting can be a catch-22. You need self-regulation to diet, but you need food to keep your self-regulatory fuel tank full. This is why smaller but regular meals work best. And a cheat day has been shown to help. This is probably because it offers the downstairs brain the option of delayed gratification rather than denied indulgences.
Choose a time to work out, such as 30 minutes every other day with a heart rate at 60% capacity. Set a time or calorie-burn goal. Do not quit before this goal is met, and do not exceed this goal. Take a selfie on the treadmill, at the gym, or in your running clothes outside, and post it to your accountability group…mission accomplished!
Home
Choose something to get organized. Consider something like, “Never go to bed until your room is clean (or until your desk is clutter-free).” Put clothes away-in a hamper or hang them up–not on the floor.
Always put dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink.
Finances
Get a budget app on your phone, or create a document in a preferred program on your computer or tablet. Set a budget, and track your spending.
Learning
Do not procrastinate studying or reading. Consider setting a couple times per day to read a book on a topic you are interested in but is not assigned to you by a teacher or necessary for your job. Read for only 5-10 minutes, and then put the book down at the set time. Do not read longer than you have planned, and do not skip it, even when you want to.
Friendship
Look at and connect with each person you come in contact with throughout the day. Take the time for a personal opening to each text—like, “Hi! I hope you are having a great day!” Then, type your message. If you see someone in person, make eye contact and greet them in a way that says, “I care about you.” Resist the impulse to retreat into your phone or look away.
Learn to listen better in conversations. Resist the urge to interrupt during a conversation. This is called mindful speech.
Put your phone down when you are talking with other people, do not pick it up until you leave their presence and the conversation is over.
Family
Take time each day to reach out to a different member of your family, shoot them a text, email, or even write them a short note to drop in the mail. Perhaps pick one family member for each day of the week and find something kind to do for them.
General ideas
Set a schedule and stick to it, making sure you are on time. Many of us have a natural inclination to procrastinate in leaving for class or an appointment or dinner for a few moments longer. Resisting this urge can build willpower!
Spiritual goals
If you are a spiritual person, pick a few spiritual exercises to perform each day. Treat this plan as if you have an appointment with a teacher, manager or doctor, and keep it! Meditation, focused attention exercises or other spiritual activities have been shown to cause a dramatic increase in self-regulation.
Pick a change to make from the previous list or choose one of your own. Let me stress to only choose one thing to work on at a time. Write down why you are choosing this change. Figure out how you are going to monitor your successes and failures, how you will reward yourself for sticking to it, and how you will hold yourself accountable.
Once the changes you are trying to make become second nature, you should have an increased amount of self-regulation. Don’t stop there! Building your willpower tank is a life-long project! The good news is that well-being is a product of this growing process. The more self-regulation you have, the better you feel because the more growth you attain. The better you feel, the more you will want to increase your self-regulation and you begin the slow spiral upward..we all want and deserve!