A large percentage of what happens externally throughout our day to day, moment to moment lives happens outside of our control. What we do have control over is how we respond and where we choose to focus our attention—meaning we have control over our subjective, interior experience and our ultimate actions. Our subjective experience is made up of sensations and images that pop into our heads, as well as feelings and thoughts that swirl about in the mind. The mind guides our subjective experience of all the circumstances, people and happenings that make up each day. It takes mental strength to guide our own experience, rather than be at the mercy of our in-the-moment external circumstances.
We are all producing a story of life inside our heads. It’s like we are producing our own movie. Operating from a position of mental strength can be likened to the director’s role. We want to be behind the camera, guiding the narrative and driving the direction, tone and outcome of our story. When we don’t like a scene, we can shift the focus and do a retake. The point is we are in the director’s chair—not simply an actor on the screen. In order to operate from this position of power, we need to have the big picture in mind (where the story is going), which we have begun to establish by working on the life list. We also need a baseline amount of self-regulation and an understanding of how to mine that interior resource for all it’s worth. The perspective a life list gives and the power of self-regulation can now be applied to developing the mental strength we need to get the most out of life—here and now, as well as into the future.
Mental strength is the ability to focus our attention on what is important and helpful to create the experience of life we desire, just like a cinematic director guides the tone, flow and narrative of a movie.
Defining Mental Strength
Everyone knows physical fitness is important and that eating right and exercising are two ways to make that happen. We may not do what needs to be done, but most people have an idea of what needs to happen to get in shape.
Far less known is the concept that it is equally important to have a strong mind and brain in tip-top shape. Our minds are our central control! Unlike the physical fitness realm, few people know what is needed to have and maintain a powerful mind. Even fewer people have a daily mental strengthening program in place.
A strong mind is resilient in the face of adversity, can be objective, has the ability to set high, meaningful goals and consistently move towards them, is not paralyzed by fear or anxiety, can use emotions productively, is able to tune in to other people, and sees the big picture of life (Siegel, 2012a)…right? To summarize, a strong mind has “psychological flexibility,” (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010) and this state is composed of five main powers: insight, emotional regulation, response flexibility, empathy, and moral awareness. Let’s explore each one.
- Insight is the ability to know and understand our own thoughts, feelings and needs.
Have you ever said to a loved one, “I need something from you…but I don’t know what it is?!” or “You are driving me crazy…but I don’t know why!” Or have you ever been in a bad mood, waking up on the wrong side of the bed…but can’t figure out why you are so glum? When we express these sentiments, we lack insight. Insight is the power to know what we need and why, what we are feeling and why. When we know what we need or why we are feeling the way we are—it is easier to resolve it. Things that are out of our awareness or understanding are outside of our control.
- Emotional regulation/ fear modulation is the ability to deal with our emotions and fears in a productive way.
Have you ever gotten stuck on a certain feeling—frustrated and not able to move past it, or anxious to the point where it is all you can focus on? Or have you ever let fear hold you back from pursuing your dreams? Emotions can be a liability when they hijack our lives or limit our aspirations, but can also be a true asset if we use them productively. Emotional regulation helps us use emotion as a motivating force towards action. Fear modulation helps us to proceed with necessary caution and realism without being too limited by anxiety.
- Response flexibility is the ability to be flexible in how we react in the moment.
Have you ever dealt with a person who falls to pieces on the floor in front of you when events don’t go according to plan? Or have you ever gotten stuck into a mindset or mode and were not able to switch gears when needed? This demonstrates a lack of response flexibility. The ability to “roll with it” when adversity or obstacles pop up is a very valuable skill—because when does anything in life go according to plan? We start each day with a hypothesis, and then the day is an experiment, testing how it will actually turn out.
- Empathy is the ability to read other people and situations, which facilitates attuned communication.
Do you know people who have a really difficult time “reading between the lines” of social cues or subtle hints? Or people who are missing an empathy chip? Connecting with other people is an important part of well-being, and a healthy mind is dependent on the close, trusting relationships we forge when we are empathetic.
- Moral awareness is the ability to see how our actions impact the world around us.
Have you ever encountered a person who doesn’t have a clue about how their actions are impacting other people around them? They go through life like a bull in a china closet, leaving a wake of frustration and annoyance behind them. When we have moral awareness, we are keenly tuned into how our actions impact others and the world around us. Moral awareness is typically the last power to fully develop within a strong mind.
Integration Equals Well-Being
When we possess all five powers of a strong mind, we have the ability to guide our own subjective experience—like the director of a movie. A director observes the scene, analyzes the contribution of the different actors (sensations, images, feelings and thoughts) and decides what to focus on, how to respond, and how to push the plot of the movie forward in the direction he/she wants it to go!
Our minds are made up of multiple specialized parts with different functions that produce the scenes we play in our minds. A powerful mind is one that has all the functions of the brain fully developed, in balance, and able to coordinate and work together.
Working well together involves being in sync. Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegel (2012a) calls this integration, defined as making an independent contribution, but also coordinated with the other parts and functions. It could be likened to different teams within a large company working on the same product. Each team serves a different purpose to push the project forward. Each team needs to independently function well, but also needs to connect with the other teams on the project to produce a quality end product. Integration happens when we power up two parts of the brain and coordinate and sync them. Every time a new link or connection is formed between two parts of the mind and brain, we go from a lower level of integration to a higher level of integration (Siegel, 2012a). The result of this increased coordination and linkage is “I feel good.” It may not be a dopamine-high “woooo hoooooo” feeling, but rather a lasting, durable and sustainable “feel good.”
Integration And Disintegration
Integration is what we want in our heads. When we are actively integrating the mind, we feel good! Siegel (2012b) uses the acronym FACES to describe the good feel of integration. FACES stands for flexible, adaptable, coherent (makes sense and fits into the bigger picture of life), energetic, and stable. We experience this feeling of integration when we are sitting in the “director’s chair” or operating from the hub of the mind.
We can contrast this integration with two disintegrative states on either side of integration: rigidity and chaos. When a sensation, image, feeling or thought erupts in our minds with intensity, we can do one of three things with it. We can integrate it and let it connect with other aspects of the mind and brain, causing integration. Second, we can let it hijack, overwhelm and explode, causing us to be swept up in an incoherent state of chaos that frequently leads to “dang its.” Finally, we can fight it, stuff it and not let it go anywhere, which is a rigid response. This “rigid” response drains a tremendous amount of mental energy and typically holds us back from going after activities we desire, limiting our potential for a rich and full life (Morris & Mansell, 2018).
So, integration is what we want! We want to use the different mental functions that make up our states of mind to drive us toward productive action. We all get swept up into unhelpful and unproductive states of mind. These states usually involve a response to some form of adversity or are the many different distressed states of mind we have discussed, but not always. Sometimes we can be carried away with positive states that also take us out of the “director’s chair” – making us reactive, rather than proactive, and at the mercy of what goes on in our heads. This is the mental strength we want and need for success and well-being in our lives!
Every moment gives us the opportunity to increase integration in our minds and brains—so each moment is an opportunity to boost well-being. A common example of the “feel good” of integration happens when we stick to a simple goal like eating healthier. Let’s say you make this new resolution right before you go out to lunch with a friend. Even though you reeeeeeeally want a cheeseburger and fries, you stick to your goal, ordering a sandwich and salad from the light and fit menu. How do you feel leaving the restaurant (or shortly thereafter)? You feel good about yourself! That is the feel of integration! The same is true when we regulate our emotions, empathize with another person or discover something new about ourselves.
In order to learn how to integrate your mind and brain, take a look at the next post! Or check out Dr. Daniel Seigel’s site and try the mental strengthening exercise he calls “SIFTing.” Once you learn the basics of SIFTing, let Dr. Laurie help you use this exercise to shift into a strength based state which will foster resilience and response flexibility when obstacles, roadblocks or small adversities pop up during your day.